The Extraneous End
by RockSunner
Summary: My version of the last book. An alliance between Count Olaf and the Baudelaires?
1. Shipmates

I decided to write a version of the first chapter of the last book. It's extraneous, a word which here means "a uselessc extra, because the real thing is coming very soon.' All characters belong to Daniel Handler.

To Beatrice,  
Nothing became your life like the ending of it.  
The same is true of these books.

**The Extraneous End**

**Chapter 1**

A noble poet (who belonged to an organization which is now not quite noble) once wrote:

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main... Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind"

If I were to write such a line, I would of course say "any man or woman's death" because in my experience nothing has diminished me like the death of one particular woman. I could also write "no man or woman is an island," though that might be taking things a bit too far. In fact, I once coated myself (and the small boat in which I was riding) with seaweed to disguise myself as an island, so I cannot honestly say that "no man is an island." You also may wish to disguise yourself as an island, a goldfish, or whatever you wish rather than being diminished by reading the final, bitter, book of this series and the deaths it documents.

The Baudelaires (in the small boat in which they were riding) also felt diminished by death; they felt diminished by the death of their parents when their mansion burned down months ago, by the deaths of several of their guardians and acquaintances since then, and now by the many deaths they felt sure had occurred within the now-blazing Hotel Denouement, the last safe place of the not-quite-noble secret organization called the V.F.D.

Violet, the oldest Baudelaire, sighed and pulled at her spatula-oar. Her skill in inventing a drag chute had enabled them to escape the burning hotel and get out to sea, but for once she didn't feel proud. It felt like the accomplishment of a fugitive from an unjust trial, as indeed she was.

Klaus, the middle Baudelaire, pulled at the other oar, blinking back tears behind his thick spectacles. His research skill had opened a particularly difficult Vernacularly Fastened Door, only to reveal that it had all been a ruse; that the sugar bowl the V.F.D and its enemies had been seeking had never been there. It felt like an empty accomplishment.

Sunny, the youngest Baudelaire, gnawed nervously at her lower lip. Her cooking skill had seen little use recently, but her newly-emerging skills in speech and leadership had caused herself and her siblings to commit the arson which caused the Hotel to burn down in the first place. Her motives were noble, she thought: to signal to the V.F.D. that the last safe place was safe no longer, and to prevent the villains from poisoning everyone with deadly Medusoid Mycellium mushrooms. It felt like a bitter accomplishment.

All three of them wished they felt more like an island, entire in themselves, because in fact they were not. In the same boat with them was Count Olaf, the villain who had pursued them and their fortune for twelve-books-worth of unfortunate events. Now they were in his clutches again.

"I suppose you expect me to tell you all my plans, all about the V.F.D., and what was in the sugar bowl. Ha! I could, but I won't," said Olaf in his harsh, raspy voice. "Why should I"

"You have to admit we just saved your life," said Violet. "If you had launched your boat off the tenth-floor roof without the drag chute I made, you surely would have died"

"I admit nothing. Ha! You can fall any distance safely as long as you land in water... I've seen it in the movies," said Olaf stubbornly.  
Violet realized that he wasn't as sure of this as he pretended. She said nothing and allowed him to save face (a phrase which here means "avoided publicly humilating a dangerous man sharing one's small boat.

"We helped," said Sunny. "Burned down hotel"

"I enjoyed that," said Olaf. "But you tricked me out of using my mushrooms spores. I was looking forward to seeing my enemies gasp for breath"

Klaus almost reminded Count Olaf that he still had the mushrooms, hidden in the diving helmet of the figurehead of the ship, but he thought better of it (a phrase which here means "avoided reminding a dangerous man sharing a small boat of his lethal weapon.

"Poison darts?" asked Sunny, referring to the weapons Olaf said had made him an orphan.

"That I will tell you about," said Olaf, glaring at her with his glittering eyes. "Your parents murdered my parents one night at the opera before you were born. They stole my family fortune with a fake will. Your fortune is rightfully mine"

"You have proof?" asked Klaus, with a sinking feeling that Olaf was telling the truth.

"I was going to bring it out at our trial today," said Olaf. "The Justices would have ruled in my favor, in return for the sugar bowl. When they saw I didn't have it they turned against me"

"Menaces," said Sunny, referring to the fact that two of the three High Court Justices were secretly the man with a beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard, notorious villians. The Baudelaires and Olaf had gone on trial before them, until it was overcome by events (a phrase which here means "stopped because of arson and a escape by sea)

"Count Olaf, if you really have proof that the fortune is rightfully yours, we'll give it back to you,' said Violet.

"How generous," said Olaf with a sneer. "But it turns out you have nothing to give. Your bank vault at Mulctuary Money Management was robbed of everything two days ago. That's the robbery the idiotic Mr. Poe was investigating. I'll have to figure out who the robber was, track them down, and steal back my money" 

"Mrs. Bass," said Sunny, as the other two Baudelaires gasped.

"That's true," said Violet. "Sunny found evidence that Mrs. Bass, our former teacher at Prufrock Preparatory School, was the robber"

"Ha! That's useful information, orphans!" said Olaf. "Now I only need to find out where that stupid woman hid the money"

"Her hotel room," said Klaus. "Sunny saw the bags of loot there"

"What? You tricked me into burning down the hotel, when you knew my money was there? Now none of us has it!" Olaf yelled in a rage.

"Didn't know whose," said Sunny sadly.

"All my plots and clever disguises to get my fortune back have been in vain! I ought to throw you into the sea for the sharks"

"I have a counterproposal," said Violet quickly. "You've lost your criminal acting troupe, and we've lost our fortune and are running from the law. We need each other, at least for the moment"

"I can't trust you," muttered Olaf.

"Could you trust your old troupe? Could they trust you?" asked Klaus. "You worked together because you had to. No man is an island"

"All right, call it a truce... for now," said Olaf. "But I'm the boss. You have to help me steal something to compensate for my loss"

"What steal?" asked Sunny.

I have something in mind, but I won't tell you yet," said Olaf. "Deal"

"Deal," agreed the Baudelaires reluctantly. They had already committed arson.. what could be worse?

They would soon find out. There was an island in thier future, a No-Man's Island... and what happened there would diminish them...


	2. Showoff

**Chapter 2**

"All right, bookworm, make yourself useful," Count Olaf said to Klaus. "A certain triangle-eyed traitor told me you can read tidal charts and such. Here, study these maps and plot a course to the Sargasso Swatch Sea"

Klaus winced at the reference to Fiona, but he obeyed and studied the maps.

"The wind is rising and it's roughly in the right direction. With Violet and Sunny's help I can use the sails to get there quickly," Klaus said.

"You do that," said Olaf. "I'll recite poetry to inspire you to work more quickly."

Poetry can indeed be inspiring. I have often inspired myself to greater efforts for the V.F.D. by reciting "The Charge of the Light Brigade," for example. But the Baudelaires soon discovered that Olaf's idea of "poetry" consisted of nursery rhymes which he mangled by changing the last line to one in which someone was defenestrated, a word which here means "thrown out the window."

"Pussycat, Pussycat, where have you been?  
I've been to London to visit the Queen.  
Pussycat, Pussycat, what did you there?  
I threw her out the window"

"Enfantil," said Sunny, reverting to her private language which meant "Olaf seems to be getting crazier and more childish all the time"

"Really, Count Olaf, we don't need inspiration," said Violet.

"You don't like my poetry?" Olaf said with a scowl.

"It's fine, but..." Violet trailed off without finishing.

"Then I'll tell you my great accomplishments instead. I've triumphed! I've destroyed the V.F.D. once and for all," boasted Olaf.

"Impossible," said Sunny flatly.

"That can't be true," said Klaus. "We both know that not all the V.F.D. died in that hotel fire. There's Kit, and the Quagmires and Hector in the hot-air mobile home, and probably many more"

"Not to mention that your enemies must have gotten the sugar bowl," said Violet.

"Arrgh! Stop contradicting me! I like to boast; it makes me feel better. But now you've ruined it," Olaf snarled. "Well then, back to poetry:

"Rub a dub dub, Three brats in a tub,  
And who do you think they be?  
The inventor, the biter,  
The reader and writer,  
And if they don't stop contradicting me,  
I'll forget about our truce and  
Throw them out the window!"

The Baudelaires didn't dare to say any more after this, and the rest of the trip passed slowly. Olaf continued to recite more fractured nursery rhymes and chuckle at his own humor.

Finally they arrived at a large patch of seaweed in the middle of the ocean. Overhead, they saw the puffy shape of the Deus Ex Machina, Hector's self-sustaining hot-air mobile home. It was under attack by a swarm of eagles. Not far away, they also saw the octopus shape of the Carmelita, the submarine that Fiona and her brother Fernald had stolen from Count Olaf.

"Ha! We're here!" shouted Olaf. "Our victims are in sight!"

"Do you mean Fernald and Fiona?" asked Klaus.

"Or Quagmires?" asked Sunny.


	3. Showdown

**Chapter 3**

"Steer us closer to the Carmelita," Olaf commanded. He opened a box on the ship's deck, rummaged around, and produced a bullhorn.

"Ahoy, Lucafont and Triangle Eyes!" Olaf called. "I want to talk with you. Don't try attacking this boat with the sub's tentacles, or you'll kill the Baudelaires, too."

A hatch opened in the top of the octopus-shaped submarine; Fernald and Fiona poked their heads out cautiously. The Baudelaires brought their ship close enough to talk.

"Don't call us those dumb nicknames, Olaf" said Fernald. "We don't work for you any more. If you want to talk, you'd better talk fast. The weather report says a big storm is coming."

"Klaus, are you and your sisters all right?" Fiona asked.

Klaus nodded, unsure of his voice.

"That was a pretty clever trick, sailing away with my submarine after rowing Esme, Carmelita, and me to shore," said Olaf. "I suppose you're freelance pirates now."

"We're free, anyway," said Fiona proudly. "Aye!"

"Fernald, I have a question for you," Violet called. "Last time we spoke you said our parents had done something villainous. What was it?"

"Your parents killed Count Olaf's parents and stole his fortune," said Fernald. "I'm sorry, but that's how it is in the V.F.D. since the schism. Both sides will do anything to win"

The Baudelaire's hearts sank at this confirmation of Olaf's story, which they had hoped was a lie.

"Conflicted," said Sunny, meaning she didn't know who to trust any more.

"The V.F.D. has done some terrible things, like raising deadly mushrooms to use as weapons," said Fiona. "I found out from Fernald that Jacques Snicket and my stepfather secretly opposed that."

"They burned down Anwhistle Aquatices to try to stop the project, and they let me take the blame," said Fernald. "The V.F.D. caught me and punished me; that's how I lost my hands."

"Then I took you in, equipped you with hooks, and gave you a job in my troupe," said Olaf. "Ha! Where's your gratitude for that, Lucafont?"

"That was the one noble thing you did," said Fernald. "It was good for a while. But then the old troupe started dying off and you replaced them with people I couldn't stand."

"Well, I have a new troupe now," said Olaf. "I kicked out the freaks, Esme, and that bratty little girl she doted on, and now the Baudelaires have joined me."

"What?" gasped Fiona. "I thought they were your prisoners. Aye!"

"No, they joined me of their own free will," said Olaf. "They even helped me in a spot of arson. Together, we burned down the Hotel Denouement with most of the V.F.D. inside. Ha!"

"Is that true, Klaus?" Fiona asked.

Klaus hung his head and mumbled, "Yes, but it's more complicated than that."

Fiona looked at him in horror. "I've been crying for days because I felt despised by you for changing sides. You're worse than I ever was."

"You're attacking the Quagmires in the self-sustaining hot-air mobile home," said Violet hotly. "I'd say you're pretty bad, too."

"Only to find out what happened to our mother," said Fiona. "Our real father, Hector, is up there. He knows something, but he won't tell us. We're forcing the ship down to get him to talk. We have no intention of killing anyone."

"I can tell you about your mother," Olaf said. "She faked her death in a manatee accident to get away from Widdershins after the Anwhistle fire. The Baudelaires have met her."

"No," said Sunny. "Saw her picture. Would know."

"She hid her identity in a job where she never had to show her face," said Olaf. "She ran Heimlich Hospital by intercom."

"Babs!" said Klaus in surprise.

"But you killed Babs when you took over the hospital," accused Violet. "You threw her off a building, or something."

"I admit I intended to," said Olaf. "But Lucafont persuaded me otherwise. She didn't dare go back to the V.F.D. and reveal her identity, so I let her go."

"Fernald?" asked Fiona in a tiny voice. "You knew all along about Mother? Then why are we really here? Why are we attacking the Deus Ex Machina?" 

"Probably for the same reason I am," said Count Olaf. "For the Quagmire sapphires!"


	4. Spores

Chapter 4 

"I wasn't thinking so much about the sapphires," said Fernald. "That's a bonus if I can get them. The thing is, the man with a beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard loaded that enormous birdcage full of eagles into the Carmelita before they gave it to you."

"They wanted me to find Hector and the Quagmires and use the eagles to bring them down," said Olaf.

"Carrying out their mission might win me some brownie points," said Fernald. "I don't like crossing them," he said with a shudder.

"What about crossing your own sister? Aye?"" asked Fiona. "You lied to me, Fernald!"

"Sorry, Fiona," said Fernald. "You wouldn't have gone along with it if I told you the truth."

"I most certainly wouldn't!" raged Fiona. "You're all disgusting! From now on when you think of me, think of poisonous rotten apples! That's what I think of you!" She pulled back into the submarine.

Being reminded of poisonous rotten apples instead of a food he loved very much (such as custard eclairs) when he thought of Fiona was a hard blow to Klaus, just as it is to me now. Pardon me a moment, while I weep over an apple incident which brought endless woe to my life...

There, now I can resume where I left off.

"Fiona!" cried Klaus, but it was too late. The Baudelaires could hear her sobs fading away as she ran deeper into the Carmelita.

"What do you say we join forces again, Lucafont? All the troupe members you couldn't stand are gone. With my brains and your hooks, we could bring down the airship and get the sapphires in no time."

"No!" cried the Baudelaires together.

"I'd like that," said Lucafont. "Only I don't care much for the Baudelaire brats, either."

"We can deal with them later. Now tell me, have you seen any rescue missions from the rest of the V.F.D.? I heard they might try something," said Olaf.

"Quigley Quagmire came along in a helicopter with a net to catch the eagles, but I swatted him with the Carmelita's built-in giant swatter."

"You killed Quigley?" Violet cried in despair.

"He jumped for the gondola at the bottom of the airship and made it inside. Now he's in the same boat with them," said Fernald.

Violet sighed with relief, which was destined to be short-lived.

"You said you were talking to them. How are you able to communicate?" asked Olaf.

Lucafont picked up a small metal box with his hooks and showed it to Olaf. "With this ham radio and microphone."

"Very good," said Olaf. "I can use that to talk them out of the sapphires."

"You always were a great persuader, boss," said Fernald. "It's good to work with you again. I'm glad there's no hard feelings about the sub."

Olaf produced a small whistle from a chain around his neck and gave several piercing blasts. Three eagles swooped down and lifted Fernald into the air before he could react. A fourth eagle grabbed the radio and brought it to Olaf.

"Oh, of course there are hard feelings," said Olaf, his eyes glittering. "I never forgive people who steal things from me." With another blast of the whistle, he commanded the eagles to carry Fernald away. I never learned for sure what happened to him, but I fear the worst.

"Fiona!" Klaus yelled, realizing what was coming next, "Shut the hatch, fast!"

It was too late. With another series of blasts from the whistle, Olaf sent several more eagles streaking into the submarine after Fiona.

"Why the attempted betrayal, boy?" Olaf asked in a menacing tone. "You said you'd help me steal something. Now I've stolen back my submarine."

"I didn't know it would be from someone I cared about!" Klaus said.

"In this business, it doesn't pay to care too much about anyone," said Olaf.

"Now satisfied?" asked Sunny.

"No. I've just gotten back what was already mine. I still need a fortune," said Olaf.

Olaf lifted the ham radio's microphone to his mouth.

"Quagmires, this is Count Olaf. I'm in charge now."

"We heard," came the voice of Quigley Quagmire. "Fernald left the microphone open all this time. Baudelaires, how could you? Especially you, Violet."

"We did what we had to..." Violet began to explain.

"I didn't trust you when I first met you on Mount Fraught," said Quigley, "I thought you might be on Olaf's side, so I lied and pretended I wasn't a fully-trained V.F.D. agent. Later, I decided you must be noble. Now I know my first instinct was right."

"All wrong!" Sunny shouted.

"Forget the explanations and recriminations; I want the sapphires," said Olaf. "Quigley, you're the oldest triplet by one minute, so I know you have the key to the safety deposit box where they're hidden. Give me that, and I'll let you go."

"I'm not giving up the family fortune to the likes of you," said Quigley. "The self-sustaining hot-air mobile home has stood up to the eagles so far. You won't be able to keep them on the attack much longer because storm winds are rising, and the V.F.D. will send more help soon."

The winds were indeed rising, stirring the waves into whitecaps and fiercely rocking the boat. But Olaf wasn't ready to move to the sub just yet. He went to the prow of the boat and pulled the diving helmet off the figurehead. The Baudelaires gasped as they realized what he had in mind. The helmet contained the deadly spores of the Medusoid Mycelium! Before they could do anything to stop him, he called another eagle to carry the helmet up the the Deus Ex Machina.

"I don't need an opening big enough for an eagle," Olaf said. "A tiny tear will allow me to introduce the spores."

The Baudelaires could do nothing but watch in horror as the eagle flew toward the airship with its deadly cargo.


	5. Shipwreck

**Chapter 5**

"This is your last chance," Olaf said into the microphone. "Give me the key and I'll call off the eagle."

"Better give it to them, Quigley," said Duncan's voice over the radio.

"No, why make it easy for them?" asked Isadora. "They'll probably kill us anyway."

Sunny, Klaus, and Violet were highly distressed at being included in "them" with Olaf.

"Wasabi! Horseradish!" Sunny shouted, trying to make herself heard through Olaf's microphone over the wind.

Hector's voice came from the radio. "I know how to dilute Medusoid poison, but I didn't stock any horseradish on board. I only brought ingredients for Mexican food because that's all I know how to cook."

Just then, there was a roar from a motorboat. The cavalry had arrived. This phrase doesn't literally mean a group of soldiers on horseback, which would be quite useless at sea. Here it means "A last-minute rescue party, consisting of Captain Widdershins and Phil in a motorboat and Kit Snicket water-skiing behind it.")

"I told you the V.F.D. would come through!" said Quigley in triumph. "Kit told me she would get Widdershins to help us."

"What about that dispatch which said Widdershins was missing?" Isadora asked.

"The other side of the schism tricked him and Phil off of his submarine with a fake message about the sugar bowl, but they managed to escape," Quigley said.

Kit had been water-skiing toward Widdershins, since his boat was pulling her. She let go of the rope, freeing both her hands to wield a large trident she carried on her back. Her momentum kept her water-skiing away from Widdershins as he made a turn. She flung the trident with all her strength at the eagle carrying the deadly helmet. It struck, forcing the eagle to drop the helmet into the sea.

Olaf yelled and cursed in rage, and he blew multiple blasts on his whistle to send eagles diving at the rescuers. The Baudelaires saw an eagle grab Phil, and the last thing they heard him say as he was carried away was, "Wow, what an exciting experience!"

But now the storm was on them in full strength. Olaf, who had been standing up in the boat, was knocked down. Rain and sea-spray obscured their vision. All the eagles and the vessels were driven apart in the storm. For what seemed like hours, it was all they could do to hang on and keep from being swept overboard. The sails were torn away and the spatula oars were lost. When they finally crashed into the rocks, the force of the impact knocked them all unconscious.

----

The Baudelaires woke up; they were in the wreck of the boat in shallow water near a green island. Small islands of rock draped in seaweed were all around them, and they too were draped in seaweed. The sky was clear with only a few clouds.

"Sunny! Klaus! Are you all right?" Violet asked, standing up unsteadily.

"Uuuh!" Sunny said, which meant, "My head hurts but I'm fine otherwise."

"I'm all right, too," said Klaus.

All three of them looked down at Count Olaf. He lying on his back in the water, his eyes closed, unmoving. There was a wound like the stab of a knife near his heart. (In fact, that was exactly what it was.)

"Is... he dead?" Sunny asked.


	6. Searching

**Chapter 6**

"Who stabbed Olaf?" Sunny asked when nobody answered her first question.

"We don't know if he was really stabbed," Violet objected. "Maybe he fell on something sharp during the storm."

Klaus examined Olaf more closely. "I've read a book on knife wounds and this looks like a real one. I can't think of anything we had on board that could make a wound like this."

"Is he dead?" Sunny asked again.

"I can't feel his pulse," Klaus said. "Look, I'm glad he's out of our lives, and I wouldn't blame you after all he's done, but... did you kill him, Violet?"

"No. Did you, Klaus?" Violet asked back with a slightly hostile tone.

"No," said Klaus, also a bit hostile.

"Not me," said Sunny, hostile too even though no one had accused her.

"All right, that's cleared the air. We need to check the island and find help," Violet said.

"Or stabber," said Sunny.

"We should go around the outside," Klaus said. "That way we'll find a port, if there is one. We can see if it's an island or a peninsula, and how big it is."

They waded ashore. There was flotsam everywhere, a word which here means "numerous pieces of wood from shipwrecks, including an old board from a boat called 'Beatrice', a broken crate stamped with the insignia of the 'Prospero', and the remains of a sheep-shipping pen, and even the sled they had ridden to escape villains on Mount Fraught."

"These pieces of wood will come in handy for repairing the boat," Violet remarked. She collected some and made a pile of it on shore.

Sunny found a set of plastic cups, spoons, and bowls in a floating plastic bag. "Good for cooking," she said. She put them near Violet's wood-pile.

Klaus found a yellowed commonplace book in the grass near the shore. He flipped through it and said "This is faded and washed out, and a few pages are torn out, but I'm going to try to read it for clues." He put it near the wood-pile and the dishes.

"I wonder why all this stuff collected here," Violet said.

"I suspect there's a current that causes things to drift here," Klaus said. "It's good because it gives us some supplies. It's not so good because some of these things have been here a long time. If this island was inhabited, you'd think they would have cleaned up and salvaged this stuff. This may be a deserted island."

They were on the south side of the island and they started walking west. On the west side they saw a flock of wild sheep grazing on a grassy slope above them.

"Those must be descendants of sheep from that shipwrecked sheep-pen we saw," said Klaus.

"Mutton," suggested Sunny, thinking of ways to cook the meat to make it more flavorful,

"Maybe milk," said Violet. "We're not equipped to butcher animals."

On the north side they found thick brush and rock. As they pushed through, they continued to speculate about Olaf.

"Could he have done it himself?" Violet asked.

"Doubt he would," said Sunny.

"The knife wasn't in him or anywhere around him, either," said Klaus. "Though he could have thrown it overboard in deeper water."

They agreed to check the body more carefully when they returned to the boat.

On the east side they found the first encouraging thing for their survival: a rushing stream of fresh water. They quenched their thirst and splashed the dried salt off their skins.

Finally, they came around to the south side again. They had not seen another living person.

"By the distance we walked, I figure the island is only about four square miles," said Klaus.

Violet rushed forward and pointed out into the water.

"Isn't that where we left the boat?" she asked.

"It's gone! And so is Olaf!" said Klaus. "He wasn't dead after all. I've read of trained people being able to slow their heart rate. He's taken the boat and left us to die!"

"It's not that simple," said Violet. "Look at this note I found. It was right here, held down on one corner by this rock."

Sunny and Klaus turned around and came to look at the note. It was written on yellowed commonplace-book paper, exactly like the paper in the book Klaus found.

"It wasn't here when we left," Klaus said. "I'm sure we would have seen it."

Klaus read it aloud:

_Four little villains adventured at sea.  
One got stabbed and then there were three._

"Couplet," said Sunny. "Isadora?"

"It reminds me of something else," Klaus said. "That mystery novel in our library, 'And Then There Were None'. People with crimes in their past were stuck on an island."

"Like us," said Sunny sadly.

"I've read it too," said Violet. "Do you think Olaf intends to murder us one by one, like the people in that book?"

"If it was Olaf who wrote it," said Klaus. "He can't spell and there are no spelling errors."

"He could have gotten a simple poem right," said Violet.

"We'll have to be on guard at all times," said Klaus. "I think you're right, Violet. Whoever wrote that note intends to kill us all."


	7. Succulence

**Chapter 7**

"Who else but Olaf could have written it?" Violet asked.

"I don't know..." Klaus said. "Someone we've met who thinks of us all as villains?"

"Everybody now," said Sunny with a woeful expression.

"Someone from that last fight who followed us," suggested Violet.

"Hector," suggested Sunny. "Could follow from air."

"Any of Quagmires," sighed Violet. "All of them thought we were accomplices in trying to kill them." Any hope she had cherished for being reunited with Quigley was gone now.

"In a way, we were accomplices," said Klaus. "We all helped Olaf get there and we didn't do anything to stop him."

"Kit," said Violet. "I wouldn't have thought she was capable of murder, but she admitted giving poison darts to our parents. If Fernald's story was true, the 'good side' of the V.F.D. is hard on people they think of as traitors."

"Widdershins volatile," said Sunny.

"Fiona, if she survived the eagles," said Violet. "We never saw what happened inside the submarine."

"Fiona wouldn't do this," said Klaus. "She isn't really evil; she was duped by her brother."

"She was furious at us," said Violet. "And she comes from the same volatile family as Widdershins and Fernald."

"It could be someone completely different, like an old enemy of Olaf's with a base on this island," said Klaus. "Seeing us together, that person might just assume we were in Olaf's gang and go after us all."

"We were. But what do now?" Sunny asked.

"We need to find food to keep up our strength," Violet said. "Our last good meal was the brunch two days ago. I didn't see anything edible on the island so far."

"Except sheep," said Sunny.

Klaus flipped through the yellowed commonplace book. "This was written by someone who explored here. Here's a faded map of the island; there's a path on it leading to the drawing of a fruit tree."

The children's mouthes watered at the thought of fruit. They set off immediately on the path to the tree. The path led up the thickly-wooded hill, which was steep enough to require several switchbacks on the trail. Eventually they came to a clearing where a large apple tree stood, its branches thick with fruit.

They rushed forward, but Klaus suddenly shouted: "Hold on! Look at that sign!"

The was a brass sign beside the tree. Engraved on it were the words:

_**Forbidden Fruit of No Man's Island**  
**Malus Maleficus**  
**Picking, eating, or removing fruit prohibited by law.**_

"Do we really care about the law at this point?" Violet asked. "We have to eat."

"There may be a good reason for it," said Klaus. "The fruit may be poisonous. From what I know of Latin roots, malus maleficus sounds like something evil."

"Somebody ate," said Sunny, holding up a fresh apple core she found in the grass.

"That still doesn't prove it's safe," said Klaus. "The person who ate the fruit is probably our enemy; they could have the antidote to the poison and left the core to tempt us."

"That's just speculation," said Violet crossly.

"I'd say we should save this as a last resort, and only eat it if we'd die anyway without it," said Klaus.

"Last resort maybe soon," said Sunny.

"Let's look around and see what else is here," said Klaus. "Maybe there are other fruit trees or berry bushes."

They found no other fruit, but they found a rock with initials engraved on it. Alas, I know it well. The initials "L.S. + B.B." were surrounded by a heart, but someone had crossed out the "L.S." and written "O" instead.

"Those are Mother's initials: Beatrice Baudeliare," said Violet.

"I think this was made a long time ago, before she married Father," said Klaus. "She had the same initials then; her maiden name was Borgia."

"Who L.S.?" asked Sunny.

"Mother once told us the name of the man she was engaged to before Father," said Violet. "She broke it off because of something he did wrong. What was that name? It was a strange one... Lemon something."

"Lemony Snicket!" said Klaus. "I remember now. That's why Jacques Snicket's name was familiar. But what about the 'O'? Was Olaf in love with her, too?"

"Maybe a long time ago," said Violet. "But that love must have turned to hate."

Just then, a hissing sound made them jump. Something large was slithering through the grass toward them!


	8. Serpent

**Chapter 8**

The phrase "a snake in the grass" does not refer to a literal reptile in a patch of vegetation, but rather a lurking, treacherous villain (and there was such a villain on the island, more dangerous than any the Baudelaires had ever faced). A figurative snake in the grass is always a source of peril, but a literal snake in the grass may be harmless, and indeed a source of delight.

"Bela!" cried Sunny in delight, hugging the large black snake which had suddenly rushed up to them.

Bela was an Incredibly Deadly Viper, discovered by the Baudelaire's Uncle Monty. It was entirely harmless; Uncle Monty gave it the misnomer "Incredibly Deadly Viper" as a practical joke on his colleagues in the herpetological society.

Bela and Sunny had become good friends. They hissed together, discovering they could still communicate.

"Sunny, if we ask Bela a few questions, could you translate for us?" Klaus asked.

Sunny agreed. In the conversation below, I will omit the intervals of hissing and give only Sunny's translations.

"Bela, the last time we saw you, a man named Bruce took you and the rest of Uncle Monty's reptile collection away in a van," said Klaus.

"Yes. Bruce crook -- stole Bela and others."

"Who was Bruce working for?" asked Violet.

"Don't know. Not V.F.D."

"What happened then? We heard Olaf stole the reptiles from Bruce," said Klaus.

"Disguised. Second van. Said from Bruce boss."

"But you got away?" Violet asked.

"All did. Green Gimlet Toad picked locks of cages. When door open all rush out."

"But Olaf captured all of you again?" Klaus asked.

"Man in cow disguise hunted. Olaf found all but Bela."

"How did you get away?" Violet asked.

"Went to man who runs Prospero. Got Bela on ship."

"How did you end up here?" Klaus asked.

"Enemies on ship. Seagull disguise. Threw Bela crate overboard. Sea took here."

Sunny stopped to ask a question of her own: "Are the apples safe to eat?"

"Don't know. Bela eats bugs, small rats."

The children made a face at this idea.

"Have you seen any villains around recently?" Klaus asked.

"No people but you. Bela asleep most of morning."

"Will you watch for anyone acting suspiciously and tell Sunny?" asked Klaus.

"Bela will."

"Thank you, Bela" said Sunny.

"Bela loves Sunny."

"I love you too, Bela," Sunny told the snake.

It was now late in the afternoon, and the children took their leave of the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

"We need to check out the wild sheep and see if we can get milk from them," Violet suggested.

They walked down the hill to the west, working their way stealthily toward the sheep.

"Sheep are gentle, timid creatures," Klaus whispered. "Don't make too much noise or you'll spook them and they'll run."

The sheep were grazing in thick grass. The children inched forward like snakes in the grass to get close to them.

Suddenly, Sunny's hand broke a small twig with a snap. The sheep looked up. They saw the children. With glittering eyes and bared teeth, they charged!

A snake in the grass may be harmless, but sheep in the grass may sometimes be very dangerous. 


	9. Sheep

**Chapter 9**

"Scatter!" Violet hissed. She pushed Klaus left, Sunny back, and dodged right herself.

The sheep were confused by their targets' splitting up. Different parts of the flock tried to turn in front of the others, causing them to mill around in an angry baaah-ing mass.

Sunny knew she couldn't outrun the sheep once they got organized, but she sprang for a tree. She used her strong teeth and exceptional climbing skills to scale up out of their reach. Violet and Klaus both ran in different directions, through thick woods where the sheep couldn't follow.

It was some time later when they all got back together at their camp on the flotsam beach.

"Good news!" Sunny said. "Walnut salad!"

She had climbed from tree to tree and eventually found a walnut tree full of delicious nuts. She stuffed her concierge uniform pockets with them. On the way back to camp, her cooking skills allowed her to spot patches of edible greens. Soon she had cracked the nuts with her teeth and prepared a salad for her sibling that they declared the best they had ever tasted.

"Hunger is the best sauce," Klaus said, using a phrase which here means "When you haven't eaten for two days, you don't need salad dressing to make a walnut-and-greens salad taste wonderful."

Violet got a fire going by focusing the sun through Klaus' glasses. "We have to do this now, while there's still sunlight," she said. "I'll can preserve some coals in a rock-lined hole so we can re-start the fire when we need it, after sunset."

Sunny suggested they go back up and ask Bela if she had seen anything. The others agreed.

When they got to the clearing, Sunny screamed. She pointed to the ground in front of the tree. Bela had been neatly sliced into three equal-sized pieces; she was dead.

"Noooo!" Sunny cried. "Beeelllaaa!"

"Who would do such a thing?" Klaus said. "Bela was harmless!"

"Our fault!" sobbed Sunny. "Asked Bela to watch. Saw killer."

Violet found the note on top of the rock with the heart engraving:

_Three little villains met a snake near a tree.  
It got sliced and still there were three._

Violet said, "There's someone truly evil on this island."

Klaus examined the note. "There's something familiar about this writing, but I can't quite place it."

"Look!" said Violet. On the engraved rock, the letters "B.B." were highlighted in blood.

"The killer signed," said Klaus grimly.

"But what does it mean?" asked Violet. "It can't be Mother. Even if she survived the fire and got here somehow, she'd never do something like this!"

"One thing is for sure. This killer is ruthless," said Klaus. "We'll have to take turns keeping watch tonight."

They got back to camp and got the fire blazing again. Klaus redoubled his efforts to read the faded commonplace book by the firelight.

"I can just make out one phrase," he said. "It reads 'J/H effect'. What could that mean?"

An "omniscient narrator" is a literary style that reports everyone's thoughts as if the writer can read minds. Since I cannot read minds, this is a style I seldom use. However, if there had been an omniscient narrator present that night, reading the minds of those in the vicinity, he or she might have recorded thoughts like these, in no particular order:

_"Who killed Bela? Good, friendly snake. I loved."_

_"I've got to analyze this -- there must be a solution to this mystery."_  
_  
"Somehow, we've got to survive this, I'll think of something. There's always something..."_

_"Now that the snake is gone it will be easy. Tomorrow. Yes... I'll get one of them tomorrow..."_


	10. Shiver

**Chapter 10**

The next morning was full of mist. The three Baudelaires could see only a few yards in every direction.

"We have to get off this island," Violet said. "I can build us a raft from the boards that have drifted here. Klaus, where would be the best place to launch?"

"Not this side," said Klaus. "The current delivers flotsam here, so we'd be fighting the current when we tried to get away. The current probably swirls around the island and re-forms on the north side, heading away. That's where we should launch."

The Baudelaires collected planks, their meager food supplies, and water from the stream in theie plastic cups and bowls. They walked around the east edge of the island, avoiding the west side with the sheep. They watched for their enemy as best they could, but the mist made it difficult to see.

"This side has a steep cliff down to the water," Violet said. "I spotted a cave near the water's edge, just below here. If only there was another way down to it. It would be a perfect place to build and launch the raft."

"Tunnel?" asked Sunny, pointing to a hole in the rocks very close by. The three gathered around it and peered down into the darkness.

"It's worth a try," said Violet. "We're all good climbers."

The tunnel seemed wide enough at the start, and not too steep. Sunny lead the way, since the passage might narrow. Klaus was second, and Violet was third.

"I hope the killer isn't following right behind us, ready to roll a huge rock down on us," said Violet nervously.

"Don't say things like that!" Klaus retorted.

The passage leveled off and they could see an opening with light ahead.

"Cave ahead," Sunny said. She started forward.

Just then, Klaus gave Sunny a hard push from behind. She fell through the opening and into the main cave. Just as she did, there was a snap of a tripwire and a blade came slicing down like a guillotine, just missing her!

"Klaus!" Violet cried. "What are you doing?"

"I saw the trap just as Sunny triggered it," Klaus explained. "The only way to save her was to push her out of the way."

Violet looked over the trap. "The blade's one of the runners from the old sled, sharpened. A rock counterweight was released by the tripwire."

"Rosebud," said Sunny.

"Are you all right, Sunny?" Klaus asked.

"Okay," said Sunny. She held up a note she had found on the ground for the others to read.

_Three little villains, wondering what to do.  
A cunning trap caught one -- then there were two._

"We were lucky it didn't work," Violet said. "Here, Sunny. Have some water. You've had a nasty shock."

Violet handed Sunny a cup of water.

"Don't drink it!" Klaus exclaimed.

"What? Why?" Sunny asked.

"I'm on to you, Violet," Klaus said. "You stabbed Olaf, you killed Bela, and you set this trap that nearly killed Sunny!"

"Klaus, that's insane! Why would I do things like that?" Violet asked angrily.

"Because you ate an apple," said Klaus. "The J/H effect. Jekyll and Hyde."


	11. Shock

**Chapter 11**

"You're not making sense, Klaus," said Violet. "You're going crazy from the stress."

"Outside killer, not Violet," Sunny said.

"No, I remembered where I saw the writing on the threatening poems," said Klaus. "It's the same as the left-handed signature you did to get out of marrying Olaf."

"That isn't much writing to go on and you saw it quite a while ago. I bet any left-handed writing by a right-handed person looks similar," said Violet.

"During my watch last night, I went back to the tree and got the core we found," said Klaus. "It has your bite marks. I compared it to a piece of lettuce you dropped when you ate the salad last night."

"So I woke up before you did the morning after we crashed, and ate an apple. Is that a crime?" Violet asked.

"In this case, yes. And you pretended you hadn't," said Klaus.

"You were making such a big deal about it being against the law that I didn't want to admit it," said Violet.

"I don't care about the law; I care if it affected your mind," said Klaus. "The J/H effect. Forbidden fruit, named for the fruit that corrupted the innocents in Eden. Malus maleficus, apples of evil. Those vicious sheep -- they must eat those apples sometimes."

"You're letting your imagination run away with you, Klaus," said Violet. "Eating an apple wouldn't change me."

"Do one thing and you'll convince me," said Klaus. "Drink that water you were going to give to Sunny."

Violet raised the cup to her lips... then poured it out on the ground. "I can't do that, Klaus," she said in a strange voice, much deeper than her usual one. "I don't think the powdered scorpions I put into the cup would kill me. I'm a lot bigger than Sunny. But I can't afford to make myself sick when I need to survive at sea."

"Violet... joking?" asked Sunny.

Violet laughed, but it was a chilling laugh. "When I ate that apple it was like my eyes were opened for the first time. Everyone thinks we're villains now. Why not really be one? I can do whatever I want -- become a whole new person."

"Violet..." Klaus tried to interrupt.

"Don't call me Violet. I'm going to call myself Beatrice now, after our mother the assassin," Violet/Beatrice said.

"You stabbed Olaf?" Sunny asked fearfully.

"When I came back to the boat, he was lying there unconscious. I found a knife in his pocket. After all he did to us... even trying to force me to marry him... I realized how much I hated him. More than enough to kill. But I failed. He recovered and got away, for now."

"Bela?" Sunny asked.

"You set the snake to spy," said Beatrice. "That interfered with my plans."

"But us.. your family..." Klaus said.

"Yes... I realized I hated you, too, Always depending on me...'Lead us Violet! Invent something for us, Violet!' I should still be a kid and I had to be your mother. You stole my childhood.. Like Olaf said, I don't forgive those who steal from me."

"I suspected you, but I had no idea how deeply gone you were until now," said Klaus in horror. "If it was just cruel rhymes to scare us, and killing a snake, that would be one thing. But you really tried to kill Sunny."

"It's kinder to kill you," said Beatrice softly, drawing the knife from her pocket. "You wouldn't survive long without me."

"Why worry about being kind?" Klaus asked quickly. "If Olaf is your new role-model, remember he said that in this business you can't afford to care about anyone."

"You have a point there," said Beatrice. "All right, I'll leave you here instead. I've already made a one-person raft."

Without turning her back to them, she pulled the raft out of a dark corner of the cave and pushed it into the water. As she began to float away, her face suddenly changed from its cruel mask back to the face they knew.

"What am I doing?" Violet cried. "This isn't me!"

"You'd better go, anyway," said Klaus, his expression cold.

"Go," said Sunny sadly.

"You're right. I'm not safe to be around. Here!" Violet said, tossing the knife to them hilt-first. "If I come back, kill me."

Her raft floated away into the mist. Klaus and Sunny held each other and sobbed.

Suddenly they heard a splashing sound. A vessel was coming out of the mist with a long-haired passenger on board. Klaus held the knife and put Sunny behind him.

The man in the boat brushed the seaweed wig off his head, the last of the seaweed with which he had coated himself (and the small boat in which he was riding) in order to disguise himself as a small seaweed-covered island while he recovered from his stab wound.

"Count Olaf!" called Klaus. "Have you come to finish us off? I warn you, I have a knife!"

The man looked at them with eyes red from weeping. "Don't blame your sister too much. It's the effect of the Forbidden Fruit. The same thing happened to me," he said in a soft voice unlike his usual rasp.

"You seem different, Count Olaf. What happened to you?" Klaus asked.

"I'm back to myself, for now. So please call me by my real name: Lemony Snicket." 


	12. Saga

**Chapter 12**

Some writers would switch to first person at this point, a phrase which here means "using the pronoun 'I' everywhere my character speaks or acts." But I didn't use "I" for Olaf, so I will reserve "I" for my narrator voice. "I" will mean "I who am writing these words while balanced on a flagpole outside my thirteenth-story office window" and "Lemony" will mean "myself as I was then, dripping from seaweed on No Man's Island."

"When I was very young," Lemony said, "I was in love with a young drama student named Beatrice. I wanted to show her that I, a bookish rhetorical student, could be bold enough to be worthy of her. Together we visited No Man's Island and stole a piece of Forbidden Fruit. I ate it -- Beatrice decided not to. Everyone has a repressed dark side; the fruit brings it out. In my case it was the dramatic but vile Count Olaf."

"The effect of one fruit lasted for years?" asked Klaus, worried about Violet.

"The effect came and went," Lemony said. "Olaf wasn't too bad at first. Beatrice liked my new 'bad boy' side. 'O' was a private joke between us."

"Why Violet bad so fast?" asked Sunny.

"I think your sister was primed by all the terrible things that have happened to you. But Olaf gradually got worse. One thing I desperately regret happened at a tea party at which Beatrice met Esmé for the first time and took an instant dislike to her. Olaf persuaded Beatrice to steal Esmé's sugar bowl. What Beatrice didn't know was that Olaf had become smitten with Esmé. Olaf betrayed her theft to Esmé to win favor, which lead Esmé to a terrible revenge." Lemony paused to weep.

"Is that the same sugar bowl that everyone was looking for?" Klaus asked.

"What in it?" Sunny asked.

Lemony told them, and they were amazed. However, I (the narrator) cannot reveal it to the general public in a book.

"As Lemony, I did many good and heroic things. But my evil side kept breaking loose. I was supposed to review plays, a way to send secret messages for the V.F.D. As Olaf, I sneaked backstage and took them over (along with a troupe of henchmen) turning them into occasions for boasting and robbery."

"Didn't the V.F.D. try to stop you?" Klaus asked.

"The V.F.D. was not amused -- my brother Jacques arranged for me to be sent out of the country. Beatrice sent me a long letter by carrier pigeon, breaking our engagement. It broke my heart." Lemony paused to sob again.

"I'm sorry, but it's understandable why she did," said Klaus.

"I was forbidden to associate with Beatrice, but I came back to this country and carried out many crimes with my troupe. Beatrice married another man and became your mother."

"Poison darts happened?" Sunny asked.

"Yes -- the V.F.D. learned that my parents were going over to the other side. They approved an assassination. Kit helped; she can be quit fanatical for the cause. Your parents got their fortune as a reward for their service to the V.F.D."

"So you took revenge?" Klaus asked.

"It happened this way. I still loved Beatrice in spite of it all. I attended the masked ball of Duchess R. last year to get a glimpse of her. But suddenly, Lemony disappeared and there was only Olaf. Because I was a different person, I gave her the message of vengeance my dark side had longed to deliver for fifteen years: 'Watch out, Beatrice. Count Olaf is..'"

Lemony couldn't go on for a quite a while. When he did, it was in an imitation of Olaf's voice at his most frightening: "Watch out, Beatrice. Count Olaf is in control, and I'm going to kill you!"

The children shuddered.

"Beatrice didn't take the threat seriously enough. She invited me to her home, sending you children out of the way first, hoping to talk me back to sanity. It didn't work, and the result was the fire."

"So both our parents died in the fire that morning," said Klaus. "We had hoped one survived."

"Beatrice did survive the fire. She escaped down a secret passage," said Lemony.

"Mother's alive?" Sunny asked hopefully.

"Alas, Esmé was waiting at the other end of the tunnel, at 667 Dark Avenue" said Lemony. "She had married Jerome Squalor in order to have access to it. She caught Beatrice and held her prisoner for several hours in the secret compartment inside the Fountain of Victorious Finance."

"Like the fountain we rescued Duncan and Isadora from in the Village of Fowl Devotees?" asked Klaus.

"Yes. In the afternoon Esmé took Beatrice out to sea and sunk her in a leaky boat also named Beatrice that she had bought for that purpose. Beatrice was drowned..." Lemony broke down again.

"We saw board," said Sunny sadly.

"What about the will?" Klaus asked. "Did our parents really mean to leave us in your care?"

"As I said, Beatrice didn't realize how terrible I was until it was too late," said Lemony. "If she had, she would have changed the will to exclude me as a possible guardian. She must have thought my love for her would keep me from mistreating you. It should have. But from that masked ball until yesterday morning Lemony was gone. I think the trauma of the wreck and being stabbed brought me back."

"For how long?" asked Klaus.

"I hope for good," Lemony said. "If I can keep my mind focused. I have a plan to write books about all the terrible things that happened during this time. I'll research every detail I can't remember."

"Off island?" Sunny asked.

"Yes -- the boat just needs a little more repair to be seaworthy and we'll be out of here," Lemony said.

And I (the narrator, as you remember) am happy to report that we returned safely to civilization (as you might have guessed, since there are no multi-story buildings with flagpoles on the island). 


	13. Silence

**Chapter 13**

All that remains to finish this book is the epilogue, a word which here means a short chapter in which the author ties up whatever loose ends remain. Alas, there are so many lose ends that I would be tying forever until I tied myself in knots to tackle them all. I will only deal with a one of the many questions the readers may have.

The question is why I was so reticent (a word which here means "unwilling to talk") about my double identity in the all the books until now. I simply wished to finish the books before my enemies finished me, and revealing too much would have made that much more difficult. In a couple of places I included "secret messages" that were meant to confuse the reader into believing these books were started much earlier than they were. For this I apologize.

I wrote of "clearing my name." I do hope to show the V.F.D. that I have changed and clear my name of the taint of having been Count Olaf. I also mentioned a newspaper article that Captain Widdershins showed the Baudelaire parents (that is, Bertrand Baudelaire's parents) and the woman I loved. I said he was wrong to call it completely true. That is so; even though many of the accusations were substantially true, the Daily Punctilio got several addresses and dates wrong, and spelled "Snicket" with two t's.

Soon after these books began to come out, a woman calling herself Beatrice Baudelaire began writing to me and stalking me, sometimes disguised as a younger woman. She asked for information about all three Baudelaires, though of course I know she is only looking for two of them. She doesn't seem to know who I once was, or, at least, that I know what she is now. I don't believe her intentions for her siblings are good ones.

Therefore, my books about the Baudelaires must come to an end here. Although Klaus and Sunny may continue to have unfortunate adventures (and I hope they will eventually prosper) I will research them no longer, lest I betray their whereabouts to their villainous sister. I deliberately did not ask them their plans when I delivered them to shore. As I mentioned in another book, I do not know where they are now, or even if they are still alive.

I was able to confirm that Violet/Beatrice met the Female Finnish Pirates on her way back to Briny Beach for the third and last time. She joined them for a while and rose in their ranks, learning many criminal skills, but she eventually went freelance. I do not dare to research her further.

I was reticent about my identity in the earlier books, but I had to reveal it to finish the story. Now Violet/Beatrice, I know you know it too. If you are tempted to finish your revenge against me, I must point out that it would be kinder to kill me than to let me live with the grief and remorse I feel for what I did to my beloved Beatrice and her children.

My research has been beneficial for me; it has kept Olaf at bay all this time. I plan to continue to research and write about others. Perhaps I will write of the Quagmires, or Fiona (who survived my eagle attack by taking shelter inside the enormous birdcage). Perhaps it will be someone completely unconnected to the Baudelaires.

In the mean time, I will sign off with one word of hope for you, Violet. Like me, I hope that one day you will recover your mind . Unlike me, I hope you will do so without having done too many things you will bitterly regret, dear Violet/Beatrice.


End file.
